A Cultivator’s Diary – Part 5 (From my journal 2007)

December 24, 2013 at 10:27 am Leave a comment

February 12, 2007 – Berlin

Tired today travelling to Berlin for the Film Festival. Here in the hotel I feel a headache coming on, and during the day my legs hurt.

With so little to do here, it would be easy to say fuck it- give up. You are getting few responses to your emails, your schedule is light, and its an uphill battle getting people to take your projects seriously. Travelling on Easyjet is no joke too.

It would be very easy to give up, to stop trying, to avoid the hassle of travel and the frustration of fighting to get projects off the ground. But you should see it as a test of character. If you feel that you had the ability but lost it due to circumstances (including your own errors) then that ability must still be there 30 years later. As Epictetus said, the ox only knows its power when it is attacked by a lion. Until that time, its ability is in potential, there is no evidence that this animal has the strength to take on and defeat a lion until the event actually takes place. Until that time it is a slow and placid animal, but inside it is an essence, a power, a ‘de’ which it can call on in moments of danger. If this is how you see yourself, then you must continue, no matter how much frustration you feel.

It’s clear that your feelings of yesterday were due to a cold coming on. Tuesday I went for my meetings, but started to feel chilled inside the Film Market building and after lunch I went back to the hotel, bathed and crept into bed. Today I am still cold, but my nose isn’t dripping any longer so I’m doing to go to the sauna to try to clear my chest.

February 16, 2007 – London

Still low in energy, coughing a bit, and with muscle ache in my back. Thought this flu would have gone away by now, but it’s still here.

Living in Berlin with such a weak body, one chilled by the damp, cold and wind, gave me a preview of what it must like to be old – the slow deliberate walk, wrapping up in layers to try to keep warm, the inability to pick up a heavy suitcase and move it around – these are all signs of future times, what life will be like for you one day. The thing is, you don’t know when that will be – by 70, 75, 80, 85, 90?

It can happen at any time- a stroke that takes away function from half your body or reduces you to a senile vegetable. This should really make you appreciate your good health even more.

A few years ago, when you got the flu you found it almost impossible to walk across the park – each step was an enormous undertaking, and the energy was just not there to propel you down the path. You had to keep stopping to recapture breath and strength. This too was a premonition, and the two give you a picture and an experience of what it will be like to be an old man.

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Entry filed under: My Old Journals. Tags: , , , , , .

A Cultivator’s Diary – Part 4 (from my journal 2007) What is Cultivation?

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